ALRIGHT,

So as of today I am not going to try and help someone who doesn't want my help.

I've tried, and atleast I can say that.

I TRIED.

I'm sorry that you're not concerned with my feelings and I'm sorry that I can't help you because

you won't allow me to.

I'm sorry that I can't be your friend because you don't know how to be one.

I'm sorry that you think that everyone is going to fuck you over, and I'm sorry that

you're setting yourself up for failure.

It makes me sad to see you torture yourself like that.

But I can't do anything about it because you won't let me.

I hope you get better.

Soft Shock

I don't know why I give, give, give.

I don't give because I want to reap the benefits of giving.

I give because I want to make someone happy, or help someone out.

But it usually ends up biting me in the ass.

It's a little upsetting.

You know nothing about me, and you don't really bother to ask.

That's alright, I don't want a boyfriend for this reason anyway.

Relationships mean that someone is lying. Usually.

Not all the time, but usually.

People fight over the stupidest things, and it's annoying.

You give your all, only to find out that they didn't.

That they didn't try.

Or you try and try and you're not even IN a relationship, and you still

get nothing in return.

God damn, I don't ask for much.

I don't ask for anything at all.

I DON'T WANT ANYTHING.

I want to be alone, that is all.

"Add nice
Sugar and spice
I'll take you on a cruise to somewhere nice
You haven't been before
Love was meant for more
You moved up close, I could feel your sweat
I kissed you on your neck and you got wet
It's a shallow treat for a guy like me

Everybody's looking at you like they want to
Like they want to go home with you
Everybody's looking at you like they want to
Everybody's looking at you like they want to
Everybody's looking at you like they want to
Like they want to go home with you

I've got nothin' keeping me here
I've wasted all the love that I hold dear
I'll throw a dart: L.A.
The wolf has run away
The guy you know thinks he's so slick
He'll kiss you on the lips but he'll get sick
Lothario..
He's a creep you know

Everybody's looking at you like they want to
Like they want to go home with you
Everybody's looking at you like they want to
Everybody's looking at you like they want to
Everybody's looking at you like they want to
Like they want to go home with you

I'm on your trail, I can smell your blood
I've had enough with unrequited love
It's the coast I crave
Leads me to my grave
Still in my head was the sick of my spine
Give it up and I will make you mine
I will buy you things
Like diamond rings

Everybody's looking at you like they want to
Like they want to go home with you
Everybody's looking at you like they want to
Everybody's looking at you like they want to
Everybody's looking at you like they want to
Like they want to go home with you "

TV on the RADIO

Say say my playmate
Won't you lay hands on me
Mirror my malady
Transfer my tragedy

Got a curse I cannot lift
Shines when the sunset shifts
When the moon is round and full
Gotta bust that box gotta gut that fish

My mind's aflame

We could jet in a stolen car
But I bet we wouldn't get too far
Before the transformation takes
And bloodlust tanks and
Crave gets slaked

My mind has changed my body's frame but god I like it
My heart's aflame my body's strained but god I like it

My mind has changed my body's frame but god I like it
My heart's aflame my body's strained but god I like it

Charge me your day rate
I'll turn you out in kind
When the moon is round and full
Gonna teach you tricks that'll blow your mongrel mind

Baby doll I recognize
You're a hideous thing inside
If ever there were a lucky kind it's
You you you you

I know it's strange another way to get to know you
You'll never know unless we go so let me show you
I know its strange another way to get to know you
We've got till noon here comes the moon so let it show you
Show you now

Dream me oh dreamer
Down to the floor
Open my hands and let them
Weave onto yours

Feel me, completer
Down to my core
Open my heart and let it
Bleed onto yours

Feeding on fever
Down on all fours
Show you what all the
Howlin's for

Hey hey my playmate
Let me lay waste to thee
Burned down their hanging trees
It's hot here hot here hot here hot here

Got a curse we cannot lift
Shines when the sunshine shifts
There's a curse comes with a kiss
The bite that binds the gift that gives

Now that we got gone for good
Writhing under your riding hood
Tell your grandma and your mama too
It's true
We're howling forever

Billy Men

Ah, life.

I'm getting sick of these up and down days

with mixed emotions and unhappiness.

I already know the reason.

Why can't I just be happy alone?

I can.

Part of me feels that nixing the negative will

be invigorating and I can finally be free and happy.

I want to be free and happy.

What am I waiting for!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

For Jonathan:

I have to say that you were the best thing that ever happened to me.

And not in the way that you think.

Thank you for being a complete asshole.

I appreciate your lack of honesty, because it showed me what

was really hidden underneath after all these years.

And to think that it even lasted that long.

I'm glad it happened this way because I can now see what I'm worth

and even better what I deserve.

It's too bad that you had to be such a coward though.

I held high hopes for you, I really tried.

No one can tell me that I didn't try for you.

No one can say that I didn't give you my absolute all.

Everything I had, I gave to you.

I got nothing in return, but that's okay.

I have always realized that there is nothing monetary or

material that can bring me happiness. And I am beyond okay with that.

I am beyond you and "us", or whatever we were.

I feel sorry for you.

I hope that you can be a better person to the next girl you "fall in love with".

I hope you learned something from this and from me.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I think that the main reason why I'm stressin' is

because I see no real substance in love anymore.

I just don't understand how people can lie to the ones they care about,

how someone can do such hurtful things to another.

(And I'm not just talking about you, Jonathan.)

I mean all couples. Half of them are being lied to.

It's so sad.

I would rather be alone than worry about someone else

lying to my face and deceiving me.

I think that's the part that makes me sad.

It makes me feel as if there is no one out there that can

truly give love to someone else, and expect nothing else

but love in return.

I want to be alone and independent, just like I know I can be.

Just how I was before.

(thank you stumbleupon)

I had a dream on tuesday night. I was running through a field of cut green grass. In the distance were two trees and an old building in between them. It was dark outside, but I could see the colors so vividly. A few feet in front of the trees and building, the grass was tall and wispy. As if someone had stopped cutting at that point. There was a rabbit behind the grass, facing away from the building. I could see his huge black eyes and his nose jumping up and down. When I ran past him, he ran away. That's all I remember.

I want to pay my library fine so that I can start reading some poetry by Cisneros.
Or e.e. Cummings.
Or read more about Frida.
I haven't been taking any pictures lately.
The whole year actually.
But now, I think I know what I want to do.
Only a semester more and I'll be done!
It's time to start putting on the gas and let off the brakes
of this life. Time to get started.
This past semester I have learned so much.
I have learned that being with good company can bring you out
of any slump.
I have learned that medication isn't always a bad thing.
I have learned that I can't be everyone's mother. Only their friend.
And I have learned that if no one else cares about their priorities, then why
should you?
I have also learned that if I can make myself laugh, then I am truly funny.

Diana is coming home soon I think, and I am happy to spend some time
with her and Jojo.
I bought all of my Christmas gifts except for one.
I spent about 300 dollars this year! But not as much as
last year. Times are rough when it comes to dough, so I only got
my close friends and family one or two gifts.
We adopted another dog, and I haven't had any time to ride my bike. :(
Maybe this will all change though. Since school is out, I have mornings to myself
and afternoons for work (sometimes).
This week so far has been hard. I think I am just having a serious bout of PMS.
PRE-MENSTRUAL SYNDROME.
So annoying huh?
I have realized that women are perceived as weak because we cry
when we're told something we can't handle, and others view it as fragile.
View us a fragile.
And I'm sorry but you better believe that I will cry if my feelings are hurt,
but I will come at you a hundred times stronger than you will expect.
Booyah, bitches!
So let's see.
I was reading through some things online, and I saw someone's
posts about death and killing themselves.
And I thought, wow! How could that have been so near
to my thoughts this time last year?
I have grown and changed so much.
My only wish is to grow and help my relationships with others grow.
I am grateful for my family, friends, job, and life.
And my dogs. And momma cat. Even though she's annoying as hell.
LOVE!

Do you know who this is?

It's none other than the amazing, talented, genuine Frida Kahlo.

Oh God. How I love her. Seriously.

She has taught me so much.

I don't care what anyone else says or thinks,

but look at her face. She's flawless, gorgeous.

Miraculous.

When she was only twenty-two in this white dress...

My favorite portrait of her. And her first self portrait, I believe. So amazing.

I'm star struck.

I only hope to become a sliver of the person that she was while she was on this earth.

That would be a dream come true.

Can I meet you in my dreams, Frida?

Love.

My best friend Rita's Grandmother passed away today.

I felt so terrible for her.

It's funny because she had said that if her Grandma was

to pass away, it would be like losing her Mother.

I brought her food just to make sure she

ate before she went to work.

Hopefully I can be there for her like she has been there for me

in this time of need.

As of this week I have been assigned to read

The House on Mango Street

by Sandra Cisneros.

She lives in the King William District of SA.

I never thought I liked her stories when I was in high school.

But now that I'm reading them they are so beautiful to me.

Maybe it's because I'm older and more mature.

It's a book of short stories, sort of like a novela

but in literature form.

Great read, I reccomend.

The House on Mango Street

My Name

In English my name means hope. In Spanish it means too many letters. It means sadness, it means waiting. It is like the number nine. A muddy color. It is the Mexican records my father plays on Sunday mornings when he is shaving, songs like sobbing.

It was my great-grandmother's name and now it is mine. She was a horse woman too, born like me in the Chinese year of the horse--which is supposed to be bad luck if you're born female-but I think this is a Chinese lie because the Chinese, like the Mexicans, don't like their women strong.

My great-grandmother. I would've liked to have known her, a wild, horse of a woman, so wild she wouldn't marry. Until my great-grandfather threw a sack over her head and carried her off. Just like that, as if she were a fancy chandelier. That's the way he did it.

And the story goes she never forgave him. She looked out the window her whole life, the way so many women sit their sadness on an elbow. I wonder if she made the best with what she got or was she sorry because she couldn't be all the things she wanted to be. Esperanza. I have inherited her name, but I don't want to inherit her place by the window.

At school they say my name funny as if the syllables were made out of tin and hurt the roof of your mouth. But in Spanish my name is made out of a softer something, like silver, not quite as thick as sister's name Magdalena--which is uglier than mine. Magdalena who at least- -can come home and become Nenny. But I am always Esperanza. Would like to baptize myself under a new name, a name more like the real me, the one nobody sees. Esperanza as Lisandra or Maritza or Zeze the X. Yes. Something like Zeze the X will do.

By Sandra Cisneros

Is God in the sky?

What is your idea of God, whoever you are?

What if everything we have been doing, creating, thinking, has been wrong?

I cannot say that I believe or not, but I can say that I am confused by the ideas

of what God really is. Does he want you to be happy?

Does he make you act the way you act?

The only thing I can say for sure, is this.

I feel pity for those who I hurt. I know that I am being pitied because of it.

I also feel sorrow. I am sorry. Truly.

Who am I to say that you are ignorant, gluttonous, unattractive, forbidden, rude, heartless or selfish?

If you picked to be this way, then by all means, own it.

I can't say anything more or less of you.

I am learning by these ways.

Everything happens for a reason, and maybe situations were handled wrong.

Put yourself in the other person's shoes. Is he or she hurt by what you did?

Are they upset? Confused?Angry? Irrate, even?

How would you react?

How would things turn out if you had just given them a chance in the first place?

Learn from your mistakes.

And I know that nobody reads this, which is why I can post my thoughts on here.

Say what you like, feel what you like, do what you like.

Am I making any sense?

-m.

My New Best Friend...

Lucy Lavande!

I miss this girl lately.

Love like a sunset

This is me.

This is me at the beach.

This is me in the midst of speaking.

Sorry.

Happy New Year!

No photos, only videos

since I'm shooting with film these days.

"Let the fireworks light your path this year" as said by Danielle.

Cheesemas

Merry Cheesemas.

Instead of posting pics, I'm going to post a video from the Flip Cam that my parents got me.

Love to all.

New Camera. Bought it off craig's list for $40.

Minolta Maxxum. My new love.

I made the lamp and the mannequins black and white for a photo project.

Rilo Kiley-Wires and Waves

There are twelve hours, there's a day between us
You called to say you're sorry in your own way
There are oceans and waves and wires between us
And you called to say you're getting older

Sometimes, planes, they smash up in the sky
Sometimes, lonely hearts, they just get lonelier

How did you survive all those fires and floods?
How did you survive your insufferable friends?
It was the plough that broke the western plains
And it's just, my heart gets rejected by my veins

And sometimes, planes, they smash up in the sky
And sometimes, lonely hearts, they just get lonelier
And lonelier, and lonelier, and lonelier

Many more of them live next door.

Jenny Lewis with the Watson Twins "Rise Up With Fists!!"

What are you changing?
Who do you think you're changing?
You can't change things, we're all stuck in our ways
It's like trying to clean the ocean
What do you think you can drain it?
Well it was poison and dry long before you came

But you can wake up younger under the knife
And you can wake up sounder if you get analyzed
And I better wake up
There but for the grace of God, go I

It's hard to believe your prophets
When they're asking you to change things
But with their suspect lives we look the other way
Are you really that pure, Sir?
Thought I saw you in Vegas
It was not pretty, but she was

But she will wake up wealthy
And you will wake up 45
And she will wake up with baby
There but for the grace of God, go I

What am I fighting for?
The cops are at my front door
I can't escape that way, the windows are in flames
And what's that on your ankle?
You say they're not coming for you
But house arrest is really just the same

Like when you wake up behind the bar
Trying to remember where you are
Having crushed all the pretty things
There but for the grace of God, go I

But I still believe
And I will rise up with fists
And I will take what's mine, mine, mine
There but for the grace of God, go I
There but for the grace of God, go I
There but for the grace of God, go I
There but for the grace of God, go I

Cha-Ching

Grizzly Bear-"He Hit Me"

He hit me
And it felt like a kiss.
He hit me
But it didn't hurt me.

He couldn't stand to hear me say
That I'd been with someone new,
And when I told him I had been untrue

He hit me
and it felt like a kiss.
He hit me
and I knew he loved me.

If he didn't care for me
I could have never made him mad
But he hit me,
And I was glad.

Yes, he hit me
And it felt like a kiss.
He hit me
And I knew I loved him.
And then he took me in his arms
With all the tenderness there is,
And when he kissed me,
He made me his.

Another day!

Nicco and Ruben and I all went looking for apartments today. We found one! We just need to get the boys jobs and then we can move out! Exciting. Anyway, these are pictures from camping and shit. Also my skeleton hanging on my rearview. Gotta have one of those! I love Jonathan he's hot as hell and super funny and sweet to me all the time. He's my boo. Enjoy.

Some people...

Don't act like you care if you do not!